I have learned a lot over these past couple years about the importance of self-care. I will say, it did not come natural to me.

Self care isn’t actually hard – it’s just the mental shift of allowing us to care for ourselves that is hard. You have to wrestle through thoughts about it being selfish or self-indulgent.

But as I have allowed and invited more self care into my life, I recognize the huge benefit of inviting it into my life more and tuning into my body more, and asking what it really needs in any given moment.

I would like to share some these practices with you, and invite you to give them a try in your own life.

As for self awareness – that is one I really thought I had down. But there was a large piece of self awareness I was truly missing. Which I will go into later in the article, in case maybe you have some blind spots like I did?

And finally, I will share what I believe separates us from joy. It is one of those things – not easy – but so simple – all at the same time.

Will you join me in in the journey of developing self-care, self awareness, and connecting closer to joy?

 

Developing Self Care as a Habit

As I said, self care did not come natural to me. Engaging in self care felt like laziness and indulgence.

But when I finally gave in and tried it, I realized it was just the opposite.

I was more productive when I engaged in self care. And, I was a better partner, friend, and co-worker.

You can engage in self care in a variety of ways.

It could be getting enough sleep. It could be taking a break or the day off from something. It could be developing an exercise habit. It could be taking walks in nature after work.

It also could be making your work environment a more calming place. This could mean turning off fluorescent lights and using a floor lamp instead. This could mean bringing in a scented candle of your favorite smell – and when you find yourself getting stressed – taking a “mindful minute” and focusing on the scent while taking a few deep breaths. If you love nature as much as me, maybe this means surrounding yourself with photos or artwork of nature.

I have actually been at work before, found myself stressed with a headache, and I would ask myself the question,

What do I need right now?

The answer I got back was “To be somewhere calming. To be in nature.”

When I tuned in and realized this was my answer, I was initially frustrated, because being in nature was not an option in that moment. I think for some, going on a short walk could be a good idea, but for me, I work in the city and a walk right outside my building would NOT be calming.

But instead of remaining frustrated, I asked myself what the closest to nature I could be in this moment was.

And then I decided to start looking through nature photos online. I actually was NOT confident that this would be helpful at all.

But, as I looked through the photos of trees and trails and sunsets and sunrises…I did find that it began to ease my mind. My mind, even if just for a few minutes, was taken out of my office and into calming nature. I could picture myself walking down the trails. I could imagine how the breeze might feel on my skin.

After a couple minutes of looking at the pictures, I was surprised to find, it was almost as if I had gone on a walk. My mind had expanded beyond my office and brought me a bit of clarity I didn’t have only moments ago.

 

Why Self Care & Self Awareness are Connected

I believe self care and self awareness are very connected.

First off, I had to realize I was a “highly sensitive person” – which is a term developed by Dr. Elaine Aron. People who are highly sensitive are not only emotionally sensitive, but also highly impacted by their environments and the people around them. We absorb what is around us in a deep way.

So, in this realization, I realized how important it was for me to give myself a calming and comforting environment. And although I have always enjoyed nature, it was through studying more about the highly sensitive person trait, that I realized how truly important nature was for me as a tool for calming.

The other way I believe that self care and self awareness are connected – is getting connected with what you truly need in a moment, and what your intentions are.

Whenever I feel myself getting frazzled or stressed, I ask myself,

What do I need right now?

Not “What should I need” or judgements about how I shouldn’t be so stressed right now.

But, what do I truly need right now?

The answer always varies, but here are some examples of some answers I have gotten from myself before:

I need to pace myself.

I need to take a moment to pause.

I need to take a walk.

I need a cup of tea.

I need to do something positive, and think about this later.

Or sometimes, I just need to tune in to why I am even feeling so stressed in the first place. But again, there are no judgments allowed.

Why are you feeling stressed right now?

Again, depending on the situation, it is always a variety of answers. Sometimes it is because I am feeling like something has to be perfect and other times it is because I am not pacing, and I am trying to get everything done at once.

Here is one blind spot I had with my self-awareness – I believed I was not impulsive. I am an overthinker, so by nature, you would not think I would be impulsive. So here’s the difference, I was not impulsive externally – but I was impulsive internally.

What I mean by this is, if I began to feel an emotion, I would immediately engage with it, without question. There was not a moment of pause. There was no moment to think through how engaging in this emotion might make me feel worse. I have worked with youth through my career, and taught them anger management skills to decrease verbal altercations and physical fights. It’s all about taking a moment to pause (not being impulsive with your words and actions) and looking at why you are feeling the way you are feeling – because a fight will not solve that problem.

So, the same with the internal. It is about taking a moment to pause – instead of engaging the experience of stress – and simply asking yourself Why am I feeling this way? and What do I need right now?

 

Separating Anxiety from Wisdom

So, another blind spot I had with self awareness was in regard to what was wisdom and what was anxiety.

You may have heard me talk about this in the blog before as intuition and ego. It doesn’t really matter what you call it. However, what I will say is, I was someone who DID NOT believe I was someone that had any issues with my ego. (Huge blind spot!)

The reason for this is probably because when I thought of the word “ego” I more thought of the mainstream use of the word – meaning self righteous or prideful. And ego can mean this. But ego can show up as anxiety too. The ego wants to protect us – but often takes the worst approach imaginable – whether through pride which disconnects us from others or anxiety which causes us to live in fear.

So, once I realized the ego could show up in anxiety too, I soon realized, I had a VERY big ego. Again, not something to judge myself for, just something to gently work on, one step at a time.

The good news is – on the surface, your anxiety might be everywhere. But inside of everyone, is a deep reservoir of wisdom. It is already there. You just need to learn how to better access it.

Like anything else, it just takes practice.

I will give you an example, on how you can work on practicing it.

In my job, I lead groups for my clients. For some reason, this always causes a bit of anxiety in me. But this day in particular, I was having more anxiety than usual as I was planning the group. I felt myself beginning to become stressed.

Before allowing the stress to go too far, I decided it was time for a “mindful pause.”

I grabbed a piece of notebook paper. On the top part I wrote:

ego/anxiety

On the second part I wrote:

intuition/wisdom

And then I filled out each section – identifying first what my ego/anxiety was saying, and second what my intuition/wisdom was saying. It was helpful to be able to separate the two from each other.

Then I asked myself,

What do I need right now? Why am I getting upset? What are my intentions? Am I making this more complicated than it needs to be?

What it came down to, was a very common experience for me, my ego was trying to make something perfect, and in the process was causing me feelings of stress and anxiety.

When I tuned in to my intuition and wisdom – it was much more clear what I needed to do. I was complicating things I didn’t need to. Once I was able to have some clarity around this, I was able to move forward planning the group, without the feelings of stress hovering over me. They still popped up – but I just reminded myself what my inner wisdom had directed me to do.

 

How the Ego Separates us from Joy

I believe the ego separates us from joy. But the more we can move beyond the ego, the more joyful we will become, and the more decisions we will make that will lead us to joyful experiences.

The ego causes us to be too anxious, too embarrassed, and too afraid to live our lives fully. And although the ego will always be there to some degree, we can decide if we want to believe the ego, or if we would rather believe another part of ourselves. You get to decide “who” you trust.

And again, it takes practice. But with a little practice, brings a little progress. And with much practice, brings much progress.

As I have said before, I come from a Christian perspective. I am going to share a bit of my perspective, but please know, these are very helpful practices whether you add spirituality to the mix, or it is simply done as a secular practice. If this part doesn’t resonate with you, that is okay!

For me, I understand God as synonymous with Joy, Peace, and Freedom. I believe to experience Joy is to experience God. I believe that we find Peace, when through God, we are able to trust. And I believe we find freedom, when we allow our minds and lives, to be transformed by God.

So, for me, the ego represents sin. I know “sin” usually is associated with “doing wrong” – but my understanding of sin is a bit different. I believe sin is anything that separates us from God, and in turn, anything that separates us from Joy, Peace, and Freedom. I don’t think we need to be filled with shame for our “sin” – I just think we need to recognize how it is separating us from God, and in turn, an abundant life.

The word “repent” is often associated with a begging for forgiveness of our sins. However, the word actually means to turn and face God. Again, to turn your direction so that you are taking a path that leads to Joy, Peace, and Freedom.

The ego shows up a couple different ways in the Bible. Jesus eats with those of “lowly position” and you see the Pharisees criticizing him – saying things like “Why would you spend time with people like that?” and the Pharisees believing that they are better than them. Although the Pharisees were keeping all the “laws” – they were missing the whole point. They were missing God, because they were “too good” to be where God was.

And then the other side of ego shows up too. Moses doesn’t trust that God could use him for a greater purpose. After all, he is a stutterer – if he can’t even speak well – how could God have any kind of plans for him? Moses’ ego is filled self doubt. And if we let that self doubt get the best of us, we miss out on the abundant life God has for us.

Again, although I am speaking of this spiritually, please know the message is the same, even if you do not identify with Christianity or spirituality at all.

We have fear, anxiety, and self doubt which shows up as our ego. This ego side of us separates us from joy, peace, and freedom. But, we have the choice to turn ourselves toward joy, and we do this by tuning in to the inner wisdom that is already inside of us.

 

Developing a Morning Ritual

I have found it very important to develop a morning ritual for each day to center myself.

Some people call this meditation.

Some people call this prayer.

Some people just call it a “quiet time” before a busy day begins.

You can call it whatever you want.

In Christianity, prayer is considered one of the most important spiritual disciplines. The word discipline comes from the word “disciple” and the word disciple means “to teach.” We must teach our minds how to embrace the world differently – we must spend time training our minds and renewing our minds.

I will be the first to say, I have been guilty of a reading a blog entry or book – becoming very inspired – and then, well, that’s it. I don’t develop any kind of meaningful practice around it that will actually change my life. Don’t get me wrong, inspiration is a wonderful, wonderful thing. But, it really is the small everyday practices that truly change our lives.

Also, it is going to be a lot easier to deal with certain challenges in your day, if you first equip yourself in the morning, before the challenges even arise. Put on you armor, so to speak.

Going full circle, I believe self-care starts in the morning. Are you going to rush out of your house in a frantic state? Or are you going to offer self care by brewing a cup of coffee or tea, sipping slowly, and equipping yourself for the day ahead?

Some ideas for a morning ritual include:

 

Setting your Intentions:

What are your intentions for this day? Who do you want to be in this day?

Developing a Mantra:

Develop a mantra for the day that you will tell yourself when things become stressful.

Record Gratitudes:

Record your gratitudes from the previous day – this will help your mind to remember the positives and be looking for them in the day ahead of you.

Take a Mindful/Meditative Moment:

Close your eyes and quiet your mind. Focus your attention on your breathing. Focus your attention on the sounds around you. Have a candle nearby and focus your mind on the scent. Take a moment to simply be, in the present moment.

Read Something Inspirational:

Read an inspiring book or blog. Take time to reflect or journal on how you would like to embody this in your upcoming day.

 

Conclusion

I hope that some of the ideas and concepts that I discussed in this article, sparked changes of thoughts and ideas of how you could implement your own self care / self awareness practices in your own life, so that you might be able to connect more with joy, peace, and freedom.

Joy, peace, and freedom are already in our midst, we just need to learn how to access them. But through self care, self awareness, an understanding of what separates us (and lots of practice!) – you will find it. Never will things be perfect, but a more joyful, peaceful, and free version of yourself exists – and I encourage you to find her!

 

Take care of yourself. : )

 

Yours,

 

 

Journal Questions:

1. What are your current thoughts on self care? Are you willing to offer yourself more self care? If so, what are some ways you could start doing this?
2. Look back on your past week – were there any stressful events? Were you able to take a “mindful pause” in these moments? If so, great! How did this help? But if not, how do you think a “mindful pause”might have helped in these moments?
3. Think about something that is causing you stress or anxiety right now. First, write out the perspective of the ego. Once you’ve done that, write out the perspective of the inner wisdom. Are you willing to trust the inner wisdom over the ego?
4. How do you see your ego keeping you from joy, peace, or freedom in your life currently? What could be some baby steps in making changes to this?
5. If you don’t currently have a morning ritual practice, would you be willing to start one? What practices mentioned would you be willing to try out and start using regularly? If you already have a morning practice, how do you notice this practice impacting your days? How would you like to strengthen this practice?

The Veil is Lifted

I used to be anti-going with the flow. Going with the flow meant I could be led in the wrong direction.

I still understand my concern. I don’t want to drift.

But, I have now learned it is a collaborative effort – between flow & me.

I show up as my best self & embrace the flow. I don’t fight it and I don’t force.

But, I do my part – which is the inner work. Finding my values. Finding my intentions. If I don’t do this, then I can’t fully be present for what is flowing toward me.

I am not saying that there is never a time when things need to be changed in your life. There is!

But my problem was, I was missing beautiful things that were already flowing into my life in the present moment.

I didn’t yet have an eye for it. But once the veil was lifted, even just enough to get a glimpse- it all was made clear.

The beauty was everywhere  – in the same old life I had already been living.

There were possibilities and opportunities, that I simply hadn’t seen before.

And there was joy to be experienced – there were wonderful things – already surrounding me.

Reach, dream, and usher in the beautiful future…but please, please do not miss the beauty that is flowing to you right now.

Developing my gratitude practice has been an incredible help in seeing the beauty all around me. I can’t believe I had been missing it for so long.

Sure- maybe I had a frustrating day at work. But how did I miss the gift of creation on my drive home?

The vast blue skies. The sprinkle of white clouds. The vibrant green earth, the golden fields, the sun caressing the world below.

I missed it somehow.

I actually take the back roads home from work now. Because it is so easy to miss the beauty when you are racing home on the highway.

I pull in the driveway to my house. I admire the colors of our garden flowers. And the bumble bees. And the butterflies.

It’s all a gift.

Not only did I used to spend my drive home ruminating on negative thoughts & missing beauty, but I would spend my whole evening that way too.

I would think about my day and how I needed to fix all the problems. I needed a solution and I would wrestle my problems like a difficult math equation.

But problems aren’t always solved that way.

Now, I spend my evenings stepping outside into creation. A couple nights ago I spent my evening walking through nature – admiring the tall grasses that guided my path, the sparkle of water in the pond, and appreciating the deer as they crossed the path ahead.  I had forgotten about my problems of the work day. But when I remembered them again, I intuitively knew exactly what to do about them.

These days, my solutions are found in moments of joy. Not forcing and despair.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I believe spirituality truly is. I grew up in the protestant Christian tradition. I am still a Christian – but I feel very different from the mainstream understanding of Christianity.

The “God is a genie who grants my wishes” approach never seemed quite right to me. I mean, who doesn’t want their wishes granted? But, it seemed too simplistic, and well, there just was a lot of “wishes” for people that didn’t quite come true.

I now believe that spirituality is a changing of our mind and our inner self. And this changing of our mind and inner self, then, in turn, affects our outer external world.

We change our inner mind to see more beauty and be more kind. And somehow, our outer world, then becomes more beautiful and more kind.

The veil is lifted.

 

The Joy of Flow & Appreciating the Blend

The beauty of flow is that it will take you to places you never thought you would go – in the best kind of way.

It is a more welcoming approach to life.

What is life flowing to me today? A chance to learn a lesson in humility or grace? A journey I didn’t expect? A chance to grow into the best version of myself?

I used to force the same old routine and the same way of doing things, and found myself feeling empty.

But when I live a bit more intuitively, life has a freshness and crispness it didn’t have before.

It has a glow.

It is like the first autumn morning after a warm summer.

You notice the air feels just a little bit different on your skin. You notice the light of the sun shines just a little bit differently through the trees.

You feel the invitation of a new season entering into your life.

You invite it in & you say welcome – I am glad you are here.

Jess Lively, from the Jess Lively Show, talks about the importance of accepting the blending of life, rather than forcing it to be balanced or perfect. She relates it to a spoonful of moose tracks ice cream. Sometimes you’ll get a bit more peanut butter cups, sometimes more chocolate swirl, sometimes more vanilla ice cream.

Each bite is just a little bit different. Enjoy that it is this way.

Don’t force each bite to be exactly the same or exactly like the one before.

Enjoy what is being given to you right now in this moment.

What is life flowing to you right now? How can you embrace this flow? How can you enjoy this flow? How can you get the most out of this flow?

I invite you to taste & enjoy your life right now, as it is.

As I said, dream your future – but know that your live meaningful life starts right now, in this very moment. Don’t wait until things are perfect or every problem is solved. Take a break from your problem and live meaningful, right now, today.

 

Molding your Clay & Trusting the Spirit

You have been given the clay.

How will you mold it?

Will you look at your pile of clay – and curse it?

Will you look at your pile of clay- and wish for someone else’s?

Or will you look at your pile of clay,

and mold it into something beautiful.

We are being molded & we are invited to participate in the molding. Show up for the beauty of work that is taking place inside of you, and all around you.

I have been wondering lately – what God’s relationship to intuition is. It seems a little scary to call intuition God – after all, we are flawed beings. And way too many wars have been started because “God told me to.”

But, I don’t want to throw out the idea altogether, because, doesn’t God divinely live within us?

I think our relationship with God is a collaboration. We are not separate from God – we can access a higher self and a higher understanding, which is divine. But, we are also working within our fallen nature and our humanity – and at times we will be confused and uncertain. But there is a place within all of us – where hope, freedom, peace, and joy can be found. Our ego confuses us, but the divine spirit within us can bring us back to the truth.

And the more you pursue God, the truth, the highest values – the closer you can become and the more clearly you can hear the divine spirit living within you.

We are no longer simply followers of the law. In a literal sense, in a biblical sense, and a figurative sense.

Martin Luther King Jr. was not a follower of the law of this world. He was spirit led.

The rules and the laws have been thrown out. We are a spirit led people now.

Know the principles. Know your values. Fill your mind with truth.

And then allow the spirit to lead.

 

A Few Last Words

When it is asked what the greatest commandment is, it is simple, and not complicated.

Love God and love your neighbor.

Love God by being in awe of creation, in gratitude for the life you have been given, have an appreciation for what is to come, and a listening soul to be guided by truth.

Love others by being kind, offering compassion, and sharing your unique gift and contribution with the world.

There is a beautiful life to be found within the life you are already living. You just need to uncover it. You uncover it, by uncovering the eyes of your soul.

There is beauty all around you.

Once the veil is lifted,

you will find,

although your life is not much different,

your life will be,

so much different.

 

2 Corinthians 3:16-18, The Message Translation

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face.

They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone.

And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us!

Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face.

And so we are [elevated into something beautiful] much like the Messiah,

our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

 

May you become beautiful.

 

Yours,

 

 

Journal Questions:

1. What are your thoughts on flow? How can you accept more flow into your life? How can you welcome what is in your life & embrace it?
2. What practices can you start that will help you “lift the veil” from you eyes? How will you develop more gratitude for what is already around you? How will you look at your life differently & embrace it differently?
3. Are you cursing the clay you have been given or are you molding it into something beautiful? What could you do differently in your life that would help you mold the clay you already have, into something beautiful?
4. What are your thoughts on being more spirit led? What would it look like for you to embrace a more spirit led life?
5. What stood out to you the most while reading this post? What action do you feel led to take based on this? Write out a commitment to taking this step.

 

*I have been highly influenced by Jess Lively’s recent podcasts about flow – if you would like to hear her perspective on flow you can check out her podcasts here.

This post is for anyone who has a fear based mindset. Anyone who dwells on worst case scenarios and how everything could go wrong. This post is for the person that desires an inner sense of calm, but just isn’t quite sure how to make that happen.

I am writing this with recent events in my own life in mind. These past two weeks have been eventful, to say the least. I want to share how I navigated my fears in an effort to move through them smoothly and gracefully, in hopes that you might be able to do so as well.

I have heard it said, “You can’t control the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

So very true. As a former perfectionist, I tried to control my life so that nothing bad could touch it. But no matter how much you control your life, there will still be waves. You CANNOT control them.

Now don’t get me wrong, be safe. Wear your seat belt. Lock your doors. Take precautions. But just realize even if you do everything perfectly, there still will be waves at times. And that is okay.

Once we learn to surf, the waves will not be nearly as bad.

 

Navigating Stressful Events

So, going along with the surfing analogy – if you fall off your surf board, that’s fine.

Float.

Fighting the waves can lead to drowning. Relaxing and “going with the flow” leads to floating.

I remember hearing author Brene Brown speak on a podcast discussing her realization that stress management was more about changing our perception of the stress, rather than avoiding stress altogether.

Now, just to be clear, decreasing stressful situations in our life is important. Don’t over-stuff your schedule or make decisions that will cause you stress. But, also realize that stress comes when we interpret an event as stressful.

So, I would like to share my stressful events and how I navigated them. In the past two weeks I,

1. Found out I potentially may have been infected with a deadly disease
2. Was in a car accident in which a person ran through a red light, hit & totaled my car, and fled the scene immediately

Pretty stressful events, right?

With these events in mind, I cannot encourage you enough to develop your skills of positive self-talk, gratitude, compassion (for self, life, & other), and mindfulness. These practices saved me from a dark spiral. We engage in these practices in our everyday life, so they are available to us when we truly need them the most.

 

Navigating “Worse Case Scenario” Thinking

So, the first event happened to me last week on Tuesday. I work with an at-risk population, but with that being said, I never expected to run into this issue, at least not in modern America.

I was picking up my client from a routine doctor appointment for her pregnancy. She got into the car with me, and we began driving back to the agency I work at, which was just a few minutes away.

As we were driving, she casually remarked,

“I tested positive for Tuberculosis. Is that bad?”

Okay, I thought, maybe she is just confused.

She then handed me paperwork showing that yes, in fact, she had tested positive for Tuberculosis.

If you know anything about Tuberculosis, you may know that it is an airborne disease, meaning that you can be infected by someone else simply by being in a contained area with that person- such as a car. And before this, we had spent an hour in my tiny office together. There was no denying I had been exposed.

I was very confused why the hospital would have released her, because typically someone with TB would be quarantined. I got a hold of her doctor who said they needed to do additional testing to find out if the TB was active or latent. And we may not have an answer for a couple weeks. If it was active, then it was contagious. If it was latent, then there was no risk of infecting others.

This happened in the morning of my work day, so I spent the rest of the day maintaining positive self talk and reminding myself that everything will probably be fine.

However, on the way home from work there was a terrible traffic jam and it literally took me two hours to get home. That gave me WAY too much time to think. I tried to turn on a podcast to help distract me, which was fine at first, until they started talking about how someone was dying of a deadly disease!!

At that point, it was too late. I experienced the “attack of the amygdala” and my fight of flight center had been activated. I was filled with fear.

Once I got home, I told my husband about what happened.

We had plans to go out for dinner with his family. He offered to cancel the plans, but I felt it would be best for me to get out.

As we sat at dinner I laughed and participated in the conversation – on the outside I looked like I was doing just fine. My husband’s parents talked about going on trips and fun things happening in the future. But, all I could think was,

They don’t know I’m about to die… They don’t know I’m about to die…

A little dramatic? Yes. But that is the problem with the “fight or flight” chemicals. Even if it didn’t make sense for me to feel that way, the chemicals made me feel that it was true.

However, although I felt all of these feelings very intensely, because of mindfulness, I was able to have an awareness that these thoughts were not true, and that I would likely be feeling a bit better tomorrow.

And I did feel a bit better the next day. And by the afternoon the next day, I was back to normal.

I still had the concern for the two weeks, but I was able to develop a method for myself that helped me out of worst case scenario thinking. The method was thinking about a spectrum of best case scenario and worst case scenario. This made me realize that there were a lot of possible outcomes, before worst case scenario. And honestly, with modern medicine and a good immune system, the worst case scenario of death was actually very unlikely.

For example, these were the “steps” to worst case scenario,

 

Best Case Scenario:

• The client could have had a false positive, and she doesn’t actually have tuberculosis at all.

In the middle:

• The client could be positive for tuberculosis, but it could be latent, and not contagious at all.
• The client could have active tuberculosis,  and it is contagious, but I did not catch it.
• I do contract tuberculosis and thanks to modern medicine, go on antibiotics for a couple months and am fine.

Worst Case Scenario:

• Death!!

 

Thinking about it this way, made me realize how many steps there were to worst case scenario and made me realize just how unlikely it was. If you are facing worst case scenario thinking yourself, I definitely recommend this way of thinking, as I found it to be very helpful.

Now, does worst case scenario ever happen? Yes. But not usually. So it makes way more sense to assume that one of the other four options will happen – these are much more likely. I read a statistic recently that said 86% of our worries have positive or neutral outcomes. So we might as well be positive and optimistic.

So how did my story end?

Best case scenario. My client is fine. I am fine. All is well.

 

Compassion & Gratitude vs. Anger & Despair

So, in the above example, I did fall off the surf board for a bit. My fight or flight system was activated and I was full of fear.

But I floated. I didn’t flail. I recognized I fell…and I let myself float for a bit. Until I made it back to shore.

Next, I will discuss the car accident. Which was a wave I was a bit more successful at “surfing.”

So, I was at an intersection, had the “green arrow,” and began taking my turn. When suddenly a lady runs through the intersection, smashes into my passenger side, continues running into me and scrapes down the side of my car, and takes off my bumper and tail light, and continues driving away so I never get her license plate or info.

I pulled into the nearest gas station. I knew I was “entitled” to anger. I had every “right” to be angry. No one would blame me for being angry – whether at her or the situation itself.

But I knew anger wasn’t a helpful emotion. And I knew feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t be helpful either. Neither of these emotions would make me feel good, they would only make me feel worse.

Instead of allowing this situation to be colored with feelings of anger and despair, I decided to allow it to be colored with feelings of compassion and gratitude.

First, I thought about this lady. I was in a low-income area and wondered if this lady was someone living in poverty. I thought about why she fled the scene, and thought that it might be because she didn’t have car insurance, maybe because she couldn’t afford it. A witness told me she appeared to be in her 60s or older and had a disability sticker on her car. I wondered what her disability was and how it impacts her daily living. I wondered if her life was a stressful and difficult life.

People think of compassion being for the other person, but compassion is as much for ourselves as it is for others. I couldn’t be angry when I thought of the situation this way, which helped me remain calm and collected.

My compassion also led me to gratitude. In thinking about how many resources this lady may have not had, led me to think about how many resources I did have.

I have a supportive husband who met me at the scene. I have the financial resources to invest in a new car. I have supportive parents and in-laws that are willing to loan me a car in the meantime. I have a job that is flexible enough that I could have come in late the next day, or taken the day off to sort things out.

Not to mention, I was not injured in this car accident. And, the fact that this was the first car accident I had ever been in, made me think about how I have taken for granted the safety I have been blessed with in my many years of driving.

As strange as it sounds, getting in the car accident made me realize the abundance I truly do have.

Just to be clear, this is NOT how I would have reacted a couple years ago before my mindfulness practices. It is because of a mental shift that has happened over time, but a mental shift I highly recommend, because it will transform your experience of stressful events. I engage in a gratitude practice daily, and because of this practice, even when a very stressful event happened, my mind was trained to look at what I could be grateful for in the circumstance, rather than dwelling on the negative.

 

Life is Messy & Beautiful

I believe that people face feelings of despair, when they try to force life to be something that it’s not.

Life is not perfect.

If perfect is your expectation for your life, you will have a long miserable life.

But if you embrace your life with curiosity and openness, you will find that life becomes a little bit softer.

When life is wonderful, be thankful, enjoy, and savor it.

When life is difficult, ask – how can I still be grateful in this moment? How can I learn from this? How can I grow from this? How can I struggle gracefully and with ease?

Life is beautiful, but also messy.

But then again, aren’t all amazing things that way?

 

Happy Surfing.

 

Yours,

 

 

Journal Questions:

1. How are you interpreting stressful events in your life? How could you interpret them differently that would lead you to less stressful feelings?
2. What does “learning to surf” mean to you? How could you get better at “surfing?” What are steps you could take?
3. What is a worst case scenario situation that is on your mind right now in your life? Write out the best case scenario/worst case scenario method. Try to have at least three steps in between best and worst case scenario. Do you find it helpful to think this way? Remind yourself of the steps every time the worst case scenario comes to mind.
4. Is there a situation in your life right now that you could look at with gratitude and compassion rather than anger and despair? Write out how you could shift your thoughts.
5. Do you accept that life is beautiful and messy, or are you trying to force life into being perfect? How could accepting life as beautiful and messy shift your perspective?