Does your life ever feel like endless routines?

Wash the laundry. Dry the laundry. Fold the laundry.
Make a grocery list. Go to grocery.
Put gas in the car.
Vacuum.
Pay the bills.

You power through five days to complete your work week, but your routines follow you into your weekend. Soon enough it is Sunday night and you realize you spent your whole weekend with your chores, with your routines, and with your to-do lists.

Don’t get me wrong, routines have their benefits for sure. And chores need completed. But, if you take a look at your current life, and all it is are these routines and theses chores – then something needs re-evaluated.

 
HOW TO LITERALLY SLOW DOWN TIME

Did you know that you can literally slow down time?

Okay, yes, of course, there are always 60 seconds in a minute, and 60 minutes in an hour.

Time may actually be objective, but our experience of time is subjective.

I know the old adage is “time flies when you are having fun” and time can feel slow when you are bored. This is true in a sense, but time can fly when you’re not having fun too. Even if my days at work are stressful and full of routines, work weeks still go by pretty fast. Even if they weren’t necessarily “fun.”

I am talking about something different. I am talking about when we are engaged in new experiences that completely immerse us… it is in these moments that time actually slows down.

Have you ever experienced this on a vacation? I remember taking a trip with friends to Colorado. The days felt so long and so full.

Why did the days feel this way? Because my mind wasn’t on autopilot. When you do the same thing over and over your mind doesn’t need to slow down to process anything. But when we live our life and our days in different ways, our brains take longer to process what is going on because it new, and in a very real sense, time slows down.

Why does time seem slower when we are kids, and seems to speed up once we are adults? This is exactly the reason. Our childhood was filled with all kinds of new and different experiences. But once we become adults, unfortunately, we often end up doing the exact same thing, the exact same routine, day after day, and then wonder how our life passed us by so quickly.

So we must do something new. The good news is, these changes don’t always have to be huge life altering changes. Which is really good news, because stability is quite important to me and maybe you too? I once had a year where I lived in three different states, four different cities, spent time with four different friend groups, and had seven different jobs/internships/volunteer positions all in one year. Needless to say, this was a very exciting year in which time “slowed down.” Also, needless to say, I was mentally unwell, burned out, and desperately yearned for some sense of stability.

So, I am not saying you have to drop all routines and all stability to slow down time. But you do have to do something different.

Here are just a few very simple ideas you can incorporate in your everyday life…

Go into work at a different time.
Go out for breakfast Saturday morning.
Go for a walk in nature.
Spend time with someone you don’t usually spend time with.
Do something very different than what you usually do on Friday night.
Volunteer one day a week somewhere new.
Go to a different church one weekend.
Take a new class.
Spend all of Sunday one weekend doing crafts instead of chores.
Make a really fancy dinner Saturday night.
Invite your friends over.
Invite your family over.
Shop at a different grocery store.
Take a different route home from work.
Re-arrange your living room.
Read a new book.
Get up later on the weekend than you usually do.
Get up earlier on the weekend than you usually do.
Try a new discipline in the morning – writing, reading, journaling, meditating, exercising.

 

HOW TO LIVE MORE FULLY

The point is, do one thing different! Anything! It will change your perspective. Your mind will not only slow down, but you will begin thinking differently.

Slowing our mind down, in turn, helps us live more fully. Our mind slows down and is more able to appreciate the little things.

When I tried going into work at a different time, I noticed that the sunrise stood out to me in a way it hadn’t before. I couldn’t even remember what the light was like when I drove to work usually. I had become too accustomed to it.

When I re-arranged my living room, every time I walked into the room I felt an appreciation I didn’t usually feel. I would think What a cozy little room..what a cozy little house we have.

Doing something different helps slow down our minds so we can appreciate the little joys in life that are often overlooked.

Doing something different also makes life feel more fresh, vibrant, and full. But, this can be misused. If you are in a committed relationship but feeling “bored,” it would not be my recommendation to move on to someone else for a sense of newness and excitement. However, I would recommend that you and your significant other engage in a new exciting adventure together.

Personally, I have struggled with feeling spiritually stagnant in recent years. I have a commitment to my faith. I attend a church whose values I very much agree with. But, something about attending the same church every week and hearing a similar message every week, has left me feeling stagnant. I have learned that I can stay committed to my church while also hearing a new perspective within my faith tradition from an outside voice. Whether I agree or disagree, hearing a different perspective helps me engage my faith in a new and different way. My mind is forced out of autopilot.

Hold on to your commitments while finding ways to engage and breathe new life into them.

 

EMBRACE THE NEW

Do you take cues from the past or the future?

I used to take all my cues from the past. If I was feeling sad, bored, or unengaged in my life I would look to the past when I was feeling better. What was I doing then? And how do I replicate it exactly?

I am not saying the past does not have good data to offer us. It does!

But, we can’t always take cues from the past. If we are always looking to the “good ol’ days” of the past, we will never experience the greatness the future has to offer us.

I mentioned lots of little things you can do to appreciate the small everyday moments a little bit more. But, if there are rumblings of bigger changes inside of you, do not ignore this!

Don’t force something that used to make you happy, make you feel happy now. You are growing. You are expanding. Let your life grow and expand with you. Don’t control your life to fit an old version of yourself. The old is passing and the new is becoming.

Do something new in your life!

 

JOURNAL QUESTIONS
I know that I have gained a lot from reading blog entries and I also know if I took the time and journaled about them for a few minutes they would affect me in an even deeper way and bring me to some truths I may have not come to otherwise. So if you have a few extra minutes and your journal handy…here you go!

1. Have you ever had the experience of “slowed down” time? When and why did you experience it? What was that feeling like?

2. Do you feel stuck in routines in your life right now? What small things could you do to have a new experience, “slow down time,” and engage in life more fully? Make a list of a few things you could commit to do in the upcoming week.

3. Are you taking cues from the past or the future? How could you let go of the “good ol’ days” and start living into the greatness of the future? Did anything specific pop into your mind when you read “Do something new in your life!”

 

 
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS!
Let me know if this entry helped you in any way, if you have any further questions, or if there is anything else you would be interested in learning related to this topic!

Also, I would love to hear how you have been able to slow down time, live more fully, and embrace newness!

Thanks for reading!

 
Yours,

Sometimes we have trouble reaching our live meaningful goals, because we are having trouble overcoming an obstacle related to our goal.

Sometimes we have problems in our lives (big and small) that have nothing to do with our live meaningful goals, but they are sucking up our time and energy which could be used for more important and more meaningful things.

Below are some methods you can try when attempting to conquer a problem in your life!

SIMPLE SOLUTIONS

Simple solutions are those solutions that you passed by due to the very fact that they were too simple. This solution you may have not spent any time even considering. Maybe you felt like it wouldn’t get to the root of the issue, and that’s why you passed it off? You felt the solution needed to be a little bit deeper.

Here is an example of a simple solution in my own life.

I had braces in my late teens/early twenties. I generally felt fine about my appearance. Part of my treatment plan was having my jaw moved forward to correctly align my bite. I didn’t really think about this too much, and went with the flow of the treatment.

However, once my jaw had been moved forward, I panicked. My whole facial appearance looked completely different to me. It was probably a rather subtle change, but to me, I looked completely different. As a result, I spent large amounts of time with a mirror in hand obsessing about the changes. I hated the way I looked.

My first try at a solution to this problem was to beg the orthodontists to move my jaw back to how it was. I never actually discovered if this was possible or not, I just remember them looking at me like I was crazy and informing me that they would not engage in malpractice.

Next, I obsessed about how upset I was. I lived in regret. I mourned the changes and would look through pictures of how I used to look.

My second try at a solution was to decide that looks didn’t matter, tell myself I was blowing this way out of proportion, and to work on building my inner confidence.

I know this sounds like the happy ending solution that worked, but it didn’t. I did everything I could possibly think of to become a person who didn’t care how I looked. But, I still cared and I still hated the way I looked and I was still obsessing about it.

Somewhere in this midst of all this, I noticed that there was a certain haircut/length/style that I liked on me. And when I had my hair this cut/length/style I no longer felt bad about my appearance, and felt good about the way I looked.

This was my simple solution. But I rejected it for a long time, because, it was too simple. This solution didn’t fix the problem that I cared about what I looked like. So instead of maintaining this haircut I let my hair grow out and continued to be unhappy with my appearance.

In an ideal world, would it have been better to rid myself of superficial concerns and have complete confidence in myself no matter what I looked like? Sure, yes, that would be wonderful. But, as much as I hate to admit it, sometimes we need to accept that we are in an imperfect world and we are imperfect people and if a haircut makes you feel better about yourself, let yourself have the darn haircut.

Simple solutions aren’t always the answer. Simple solutions that are harmful to self, others, or the environment are probably not a good choice. But, if a simple solution is not harmful, allow yourself to consider it.

And you know, as much as I felt that my simple solution was the superficial option, it made me way less superficial. Instead of spending hours hours agonizing about how I looked, I now spent no time on it. I spent time thinking about more important things like helping others or finding meaning in my life.

Don’t waste your time on easily fixed problems.

 

CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

I would not say that creative solutions are opposite of simple solutions, but they do take a little more time and effort to think of. That doesn’t mean they are “hard” solutions – you just have to allow yourself to think outside of the box a little bit.

So, I have one small example of a creative solution. I have a sweet tooth and love all things sweet, especially ice cream. I would crave ice cream especially after dinner. I am also health conscious and recognize that ice cream once a day is probably not the best idea. So, black and white thinking would tell me either to indulge but neglect health or care for my health but neglect desire.

However, creative thinking tells me that there is a third way, and both desires can be satisfied.

And that is when I made the discovery of throwing frozen bananas in the food processor with (unsweetened) Cocoa powder and Waa-laa! Chocolate ice cream! I now can guilt free have chocolate “ice cream” after dinner.

Anyway, this obviously is a small example and if your biggest problem in life is that you can’t eat as much ice cream as you want to, well, I would say you are doing pretty good. But, for most of us, we do have bigger problems than just ice cream cravings. Creative problem solving can be applied to all sorts of scenarios. I know for my husband and me, it has helped a great deal in our marriage in overcoming the little obstacles that come our way. It has helped us in finding ways for us both to be happy even with our varying preferences. I am definitely not saying there is not a time for sacrifice, but there may be a lot more times when both desires can be fulfilled than you think – you just need a little creativity. Save the sacrifice for when it truly is necessary.

 

WEIRD SOLUTIONS

Weird solutions, ah yes. I am all about weird solutions, probably because I am weird myself, and it turns out, weird people need weird solutions.

Now, I would say weird solutions are similar to creative solutions in that they might take some thinking out of the box. But they also might not. The whole premise of weird solutions is that they get rejected for the simple fact that they are weird. They may be the perfect solution that completely solves your problem, but you reject it, or don’t even consider it, simply because it is weird. Is it harming someone? Is it harming the earth? Is it morally wrong? If no, then it passed the test! Don’t reject a solution just because it is weird!

Okay, now I have to admit one of my weird solutions to you.

My husband and I have, for whatever reason, had some issues with keeping our house clean. Try as we might, our house somehow gets messy over and over again (and we don’t even have any children we can blame it on!). We knew we needed a system because apparently our willpower to have a clean house just wasn’t cutting it.

So, we implemented a few systems, one of them being the “coat box.” A problem that would keep happening was that we would come home late and be so tired that we would throw our coats on the couches instead of hanging them up in the coat closet. Doesn’t seem like a huge deal, does it? But the problem was, once we were leaving coats around, shoes, purses, and other miscellaneous items would follow and our spotless living room would progress back to a messy living room. We had to stop the problem where it started – and that was with the coats.

As a result, now in our coat closet, there is a “coat box.” So when it is late and we just can’t handle the thought of searching for the coat hanger, getting that coat correctly positioned on the coat hanger, and then going through that whole zipping/snapping process to make sure the coat doesn’t slide off the hanger….we have the option of throwing it in the coat box. Yes, we have literally created a system to budget for our own laziness. And in the morning, when we are feeling refreshed, we get our coats out of the coat box and hang them on hangers like normal people.

And maybe you are thinking right now, that’s really weird. Well, yes it is, and that’s the point. You probably have some problem that would be fixed with a solution just as weird as mine, and I would think yours is weird. We are all weird in our own ways. We don’t have to trumpet our weird solutions to everyone – only on my blog will I probably spill the beans about the coat box. Anyway, all I know is, since the coat box was implemented, our living room has been spotless.

Bottom line, don’t reject weird solutions, weird solution are still solutions.

 

THE DO WHAT WORKS / KNOW THY SELF SOLUTIONS

The Do What Works Solution or the Know Thy Self Solution – close cousins of Weird Solutions because doing what actually works may be weird, hence the coat box example.

The idea behind this solution mindset is letting go of what “should” work. I should be able to hang up my coat. I should be able to do this or that. It doesn’t matter what you should be be able to do, know yourself and do what works!

For example, before I learned about my lovely banana ice cream solution, I had little self control when it came to sweet treats. (Well, I still have little control, but now I am allowed to indulge!) Anyway, my husband would want to buy ice cream or some other sweet treat that we could just have a little bit of throughout the week. Or his parents would want to send baked good home with us. I would have to be really intense and say no to any sweets in the house. Why? Because I knew myself. I was unable to eat only a little bit. And if it was a bad day at work, all dietary rules were definitely out the window.

Should I have been able to control myself? Maybe? But who cares. I need to do what works. And if keeping these items out of the house worked better, then that is the best plan for me. If someone has had a past with alcoholism should they go to the bar because they should be able to control themselves? No, of course not. They stay completely away from the bar because they know their weakness.

Another example, would be this Valentine’s Day. I thought to myself we should go out for Valentine’s Day, that’s what people usually do.

But the more I thought about it, the more I actually just wanted to stay home. So what did we do instead? My husband, who loves cooking and getting creative in the kitchen, cooked up a 5 course meal of “small plates” and we ate with candlelight and cheesy romantic music playing in the background. It was the best Valentine’s Day ever and by far surpassed being at a loud busy restaurant.

Do What Works. Know thy Self. And throw out the “shoulds.”

 

COMPROMISE SOLUTIONS

So I talked earlier about creative solutions that can make both people happy or fulfill both goals and don’t result in compromise. But as well all know, sometimes compromise is necessary.

But sometimes, compromise isn’t even that bad, and we don’t even recognize it as an option because we get stuck in black and white thinking.

The other day I was trying to come up with a solution having to do with my work schedule. I had two extra hours of flex time and was trying to figure out where to use it. I thought Well it would be really nice to leave two hours early on Wednesday. We have a long meeting on Wednesdays and to be able to leave right after it would be awesome. But then I would think about Friday, I have to work a late day on Friday anyway, and if I could go in two hours later that would be really nice and I could do something fun to enjoy my morning before going to work.

And I got really stuck in where to use my two hours because both sounded really nice. What was the obvious solution that I was ignoring? I could split up the two hours and leave an hour early on Wednesday and go in an hour late on Friday.

So, another small example, but my point is that we get so focused on one way of thinking that we don’t even consider the options of compromise. And, I am not saying every compromise solution is a good solution or the one that you want, but if you are stuck in a decision, you need to at least consider the option.

 

NON-SUSTAINABLE SOLUTIONS / THE RIGHT NOW SOLUTIONS

Okay, I am going to be honest, this solution style is a little difficult for me to write about. It is SO the opposite of how my brain works. But, that is exactly why I need to consider these options.

So, obviously, non-sustainable options have caused a lot of harm in the world. Non-sustainable solutions have caused problems to our environment. Personal non-sustainable solutions have caused people to make bad decisions for themselves when they are younger that affect them negatively when they are older.

I am definitely not advocating that this is always a good option. But you should at least keep it in mind. If you are anything like me, you will say no to any solution if it won’t be a good solution 10 years from now too. Sometimes that way of thinking makes sense, but a lot of times it does not.

For example, I actually had that whole “coat box” to help keep our house clean solution previously, but I rejected it because I thought we would be bad role models for our children and we would teaching them to be lazy. Well, first off, we don’t yet know if we will ever have children. Second, if we do, they are not here yet. Third, we also don’t want to teach them to have a messy house, so teaching them helpful systems would be better than teaching them to just throw their coat on the couch. Fourth, back to first and second, we don’t have kids!!!!

I was creating problems and scenarios that didn’t even exist. Sometimes I feel like that verse in Matthew was created for me, Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (6:34)

That verse is not for everyone, as I work with many teens and young adults in my job, that need to develop their planning skills and recognize how decisions now impact their future later. However, for me, that verse is exactly what I need to learn. Each day has enough troubles in itself, accept the solutions of today, and once I get to tomorrow I can worry about the solutions of tomorrow.

As long as there is no harm to others, yourself, or the planet – allow your consider the “right now” solutions.

 

MINIMALISTIC SOLUTIONS

Minimalism solves a lot of problems. Money problems? Try minimalism. Clutter problems? Try minimalism. Not enough time in your day? Try minimalism. Problems with decision making? Try minimalism.

Think of the problems (big or small) in your life right now. Could minimalism help solve any of these problems?

Minimalism has helped me solve many problems in my life. One example is in regard to clothing and my morning routine. I used to get up before work and stress about what I would wear, try on various outfits as I decided, and as as result end up running late to work.

Now, I have about 10 outfits I wear to work on a rotating schedule. I spend zero time thinking about what I am going to wear to work. It saves me the stress and time. And guess what, no one notices or cares that I don’t have a completely unique outfit everyday. I wear simple button ups that are classic and won’t be out of style in a year. This also means less trips to the store and less money spent.

Minimalism solves a lot of problems because minimalism leads to abundance. Less is literally more, because having less of one thing always give you more space for something else.

 

EXPERIMENTAL SOLUTIONS

Experimental solutions acknowledge that life is an experiment. Nobody knows the right answer – we make our hypothesis, try some experiments, and adjust as necessary.

The benefit of this solution style is that it allows you to try solutions that you don’t yet know for fact will work. Not getting a good night sleep? Who knows what the reason is? Try melatonin. Try chamomile tea. Try turning off technology earlier. Try reading before bed. Try reading a book about sleep. Try going to the doctor. Try decreasing stress.

Allow for the experimentation process. Think of scientists, they don’t try one thing and decide Oh, I guess that didn’t work, there must be no solutions. This is an unsolvable problem. Do you think that is what Albert Einstein did?

Be a scientist of your own life and accept the scientific process of trial and error.

 

SLOW SOLUTIONS / STEP BY STEP SOLUTIONS

So, have I referenced enough times yet that I can get caught in black and white thinking? My last example of this is, if I have a problem, I have two categories. Either the problem has been solved or it has not.

Recently I have learned that there needs to be a third category. There needs to be a “solution in progress” category.

Maybe you have some kind of mental health problem and you have started going to therapy. That counts as your solution even if you have not “solved” your mental health problem. Many solutions happen in steps and happen over time. You may have already found your solution and now it is time to allow it grow…do its work…come to fruition.

Don’t drive yourself crazy looking for a solution when you have already found it. Your next step may be waiting and embracing the process.

 

JOURNAL QUESTIONS

Think of a problem you are facing in your life right now. It can be a big problem or a small problem. Run your problem through each of the problem solving techniques as prompted below. Once you have completed this, look through all your solutions and utilize your intuition to decide which one would be best fit for this problem.

1. How could the simple solution technique solve your problem? Is there a simple solution you are overlooking? Or is there some reason you are not accepting this as a solution? There may be a legitimate reason. But, figure out why you are resisting the simple solution before you completely discard it. Write down at least one idea for what a simple solution could be for this problem.

2. What could a creative solution look like for your problem? This may take some time to think and some brainstorming. Come back to this one if nothing is coming to mind after a few minutes of reflection.

3. Is there a weird solution that could solve your problem? Maybe it seems too weird or you would feel embarrassed about it or just seems way too non-traditional. You don’t have to do it, but just write it down and know that it might be an option, if needed.

4. What would be a “Do What Works” solution or a “Know They Self” solution for you? This is where you need to throw out the “shoulds” and think about what actually might work for you. Think about who you are – your strengths and your weaknesses – what might actually work?

5. Have you gotten stuck in black and white thinking? What would a compromise solution look like for your problem? Again, even if you don’t think you will use this solution, just write it down so you can have it on paper and see if it is realistic.

6. What could be your non-sustainable or right now solution to your problem? Remember, I am not asking you to compromise any of your moral values – I just want you to examine if there is anything that could work in the now, as you look for different solutions in the future.

7. Think about what a minimalistic solution could be to your problem. Is your problem related to time or money? Is there something else you could let go of in order to gain more of something else?

8. What is your willingness to think of problem solving (and life) as an experiment? Would you be willing to experiment a little bit to find your solution, and accept that it might not be the first thing you try? What kind of experiments can you commit to try to solve your problem?

9. And in the same vein, are you willing to accept slow solutions or step by step solutions? Is is possible that you already found the solution to your problem and now it is time to let it come to fruition or there is a process that must happen first until it is totally resolved?

Take a look at your list. What stands out to you? After reflecting on each style for your problem, what solution style intuitively seems like the right one to try?

 

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS!

Let me know if this entry helped you in any way, if you have any further questions, or if there is anything else you would be interested in learning related to this topic!

Also, I would love to hear what strategies have been helpful to you in solving the big or small problems in your life!

Thanks for reading & happy problem solving!

Yours,

 

This post is not for someone with ongoing or severe depression. If this is you, please consider seeking professional services.

This post is for those who mostly feel fine on a day to day basis. You are working on goals. You are running after your passions. You have some frustrations of course, but you are doing okay.

And then one day you wake up, and it hits you. Hard.

Every ounce of passion that you felt welling up inside of you days prior, is suddenly and completely evaporated. What was I thinking anyway?

Suddenly nothing feels worth trying. Forget the aspiration to live more meaningfully, you can barely get out of bed today.

You try to search for the origin of this depression. Maybe it resulted from a bad night of sleep? Or some small moment yesterday that led you down a negative thought pattern? Or maybe, there is no external trigger to be found. You have no idea why you feel this way.

If you are lucky, you may recognize that you might feel better tomorrow. But that doesn’t alter the fact that your brain is persuasively attempting to make you believe you will feel this way forever. There is no hope. Just grey skies forever.

So, as you crawl out of bed full of apathy and void of motivation, you wonder, how am I going to spend the next 16 hours before I can go back to bed?

You may not be able to stop your bad day from happening. Life is not perfect – bad days do exist. Just remember, there is never a perfect, but always a better.

 

Here are few strategies to implement to help you have a better bad day…

 

CHALLENGE YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

On these days, your brain will try to lie to you. Your brain will try to tell you that you have always felt this way and will forevermore feel this way. This is not true. Challenge these thoughts with evidence. Think of times when you were motivated about a project or excited for a dream. Trust that these feelings were true and they will be back, even if you cannot access them now. Realize you are having a bad day, not a bad life.

 

BUDGET FOR & ACCEPT THESE DAYS

These days will happen. No matter how much you do everything “right” – you will have these days. Expect these days to be in your life. Of course, if you notice patterns and can decrease the amount of these days, go for it. But it is important to realize having these days means you are a normal human being living a normal life. We allow space in our financial budgets for unexpected costs, allow space in your life for unexpected bad days.

Life is full of magic, wonder, and awe but every moment and every day is definitely not magical. As long as we are on planet earth, this is a truth we must accept, and will be much happier for doing so.

 

DO WHAT YOU CAN DO

If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. – Martin Luther King Jr.

Maybe today all you can do is crawl. Do that. Work for just a little bit of a time on a creative project even if you don’t feel like it. Take a tiny action step toward your goal even if you don’t remember why it was your goal to begin with. Accept that some days, crawling is the best we can do. Give yourself permission to crawl and then credit for doing so. You will have more peace at the end of your day knowing you crawled instead of making no movement at all. Small movement is still movement.

 

LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES TO LEARN & SILVER LININGS

You are not going to trick yourself into thinking you are having a good day. But there are gifts in every day even if they are small and hard to find. What opportunity did today bring you? Needed rest? A conversation? A new perspective? Greater tolerance or skills for handling these days in the future?

 

REFLECT ON WHAT YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR

This one won’t be effective if you aren’t actually grateful for the things you are thinking about. Don’t think of what you should be grateful for, think of what you are grateful for. A funny moment with a friend or significant other earlier in the week? A book you started reading that you absolutely love? Think of a few things that will help you remember the silly or small joys life has to offer.

 

SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS TOMORROW

Don’t try to solve your life’s problems on a bad day. If they can wait, put them off. Two reasons. First, on a low day your brain chemicals are off. You do not have the clarity and problem solving skills that you have on good days. You will be spinning your wheels. Second, your problems will probably be halved by tomorrow. When we are having bad days, we create problems in our minds that aren’t really there.

 

EMBRACE SELF CARE & SOURCES OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Although I recommend pushing yourself a little, also allow for plenty of self care. Self care can be warm baths and good books. Self care can also be evidenced based practices for improving your brain chemicals – such as exercise, meditation, and healthy eating.

Also, find sources of encouragement. Positive self-talk is great, but sometimes we need the voices of others speaking into us. Allow your significant other to tell you encouraging and kind things. Call a friend who will speak encouraging truth to you. Whatever struggles that feel especially harsh on this bleak day – find a book about people who had those same struggles and were able to overcome them. Find a podcast of encouragement and inspiration. Your brain may not tell you what you need to hear today, so let the voices of others help you out.

 

REALIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF: PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION

Get better at having bad days. I know it sounds strange, but it is very possible. I used to have bad days where I would believe my negative thoughts, be mad that I was having a bad day, spend the whole day in bed, obsess about how the day was a waste, believe there was nothing good in my life, try to solve every problem I could think of and get frustrated when I couldn’t, and allow no room for self care or inspiration.

How do you think I felt at the end of my bad day? Ten times worse of course. My bad day had been promoted to an awful day.

Now on bad days, I still have negative thoughts but I don’t believe them, I accept that I am having a bad day, I get a few small things accomplished, I find the opportunities within my day, I think of happy moments in the recent weeks, I hand my problems over to tomorrow, and I allow positive stories and voices of inspiration to feed my soul.
At the end of this kind of bad day, I feel okay. It still wasn’t a good day, but I make peace with it and go to bed with hope for the chance at a different kind of day tomorrow.

You can have better bad days.

 

ALLOW FOR HOPEFULNESS

So, I talked a lot about accepting bad days. And I said this, because sometimes we do have to accept bad things. Denying them doesn’t help. If a love one passes or you are laid off from a job, denying this fact is not helpful.

But, accepting something is bad, does not mean we do not allow for hope. We must create space – space for the negative and space for hope. Both are important.

On a bad day, hope is hard to find. But look for the glint of hope and take it. It can be something very small. Maybe you think to yourself Maybe if I start going to bed earlier and getting enough sleep, these days will come up less often. Or Maybe some negative thinking patterns did lead me into this day, maybe I will consider going to counseling to work on these patterns and maybe this will decrease how often I have these days.

Let yourself think these things and believe these things. I know this sounds opposite of my recommendation to accept and budget for these days. But, if you haven’t noticed yet, life is full of opposites. Be strict and consistent with your kids and also full of grace and forgiveness. Have a tightly managed budget and splurge on the things you love and are meaningful to you.

Opposites create balance.

Surrender your control. Embrace you have the power to control. Yes, I am telling you to literally do both.

If you don’t accept that sometimes bad days happen, you will feel angry at that day and you will not accept the reality of the situation. You have to realize sometimes things are out of your control. But, if you don’t believe there is hope that you could make changes to decrease negativity the future, then that can further the depression. Accept negative situations of the past and present, but never accept the negativity of the future, because it hasn’t happened yet.

 
LIGHT A CANDLE

Bad days are dark. I know, because I have had them.

Just don’t forget, it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Lighting a candle is doing what you can do, looking for silver linings, and being grateful for what you are able to.

And sometimes we have to accept the light of others on the days that our flames are small.

But simply sitting in the dark and cursing it, will get us nowhere.

Find whatever light you can find on this day and allow it to illuminate anything and everything it can.

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JOURNAL QUESTIONS

This week’s journal questions are for when you are in the midst of your bad day – when you are in the thick of it. You, of course, are welcome to reflect on them now, but they will likely be the most helpful to you during your bad day. If today isn’t one of those days I recommend bookmarking this page and coming back to it when you find yourself in that place. (Also, I recommend reading the coinciding section with each question if you are coming back to the questions at a later time)

1. What negative things is your brain trying to tell you on this bad day? That things are hopeless? That you will feel this way forever? That your creative project or goals are not worth pursuing? Jot down some of these thoughts and then write out evidence to the contrary. Disprove what your brain is telling you.

2. Are you getting worked up and angry at this bad day or are you willing to accept it? What does it look like for you to accept that you are having a bad day today?

3. What will it mean for you to do what you can do today? What are the small steps you can take? What does crawling look like for you? Even if you can’t commit to anything big, make a list of small things you can commit to doing today.

4. Where can you find opportunities for learning and silver linings in your day? It can be very small, but come up with the few small gifts that this day has to offer you.

5. Reflect on what you are grateful for. Again, these can be small. But as I said earlier, don’t write down “shoulds” – write down the little things in your life you feel grateful for right now.

6. Write down the problems that are nagging at you right now. Can these problems wait until tomorrow when you are feeling better? Commit to let them go for today and decide to come back to them again on a day when you are feeling better

7. How will you care for yourself today? How will you seek inspiration today? Look through some of the examples in this section of the article and commit to a few self care practices and sources of encouragement that you will engage in today.

8. What does your “better” bad day look like? Remember, the goal of going through these journal questions right now is not to suddenly feel better. It is to have a better bad day. Reflect on what this could like for you. What would an awful day for you be like? Contrast that with a better bad day. How would those two days differ?

9. What is the glint of hopefulness you could accept today? Are there any small changes you can make that might help you have less of these days in the future? Commit to make this change and allow yourself to have hope that it will help you.

10. How will you light a candle today? You can answer this as abstract or as practical as you like. Reflect on what this phrase means to you and keep this mantra in your mind for the rest of the day.

 

 

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS!

Let me know if this entry helped you in any way, if you have any further questions, or if there is anything else you would be interested in learning related to this topic!

Also, I would love to hear how you have been able to battle these kind of days and what strategies have been helpful for you.

Thanks for reading & wishing you better bad days…

 

Yours,

 

When we are not living a meaningful life we distract ourselves with pleasure or power. We go shopping. We watch movies. We eat too much. We keep up with the Joneses. We climb the promotional ladder.

We are bored. And life is empty.

But, the good news is, it doesn’t have to be this way. We all have certain contexts we are living within, but there are things that we can be doing right now, today, to make 2016 a more meaningful year!

 

1. LIVE OUT YOUR CALLING BY USING YOUR GIFTS

To live out a calling would be a sure way to live a meaningful year. However, finding your calling can be a pretty stressful journey.

Is this it? Is that it? What if I choose the wrong thing? I thought this was my calling but then it turned out it wasn’t?

These questions leave many people paralyzed and unable to move. We don’t want to accidentally follow the wrong calling. So instead, we decide to do nothing in hopes at some point it will occur to us. And then years pass.

I was pretty obsessed with the idea of calling when I was in college. I discerned. I reflected. I explored. And after college I got a job that I felt was my calling. But a couple years later the position changed and it felt a lot less like my calling. And then years passed.

I felt a little betrayed about the whole calling thing. I thought I had “arrived.” I thought I had found my calling and I was ready just to settle in. But now I was lost and confused. I thought I had taken my spirit led journey to my one true calling. And now here I was spending most days overwhelmed and running from task to task trying to manage the expectations of my job.

Why did it take me years to make any changes? A few reasons probably, but one of the biggest reasons being that I had confused what the word calling meant. And when the calling didn’t turn out as planned, I was lost. I made no movement forward in any direction. When you are lost, you don’t know which path will make you more lost and which path will lead you out. So I didn’t move a muscle.

So this is where I propose that we re-frame how we understand calling. Living out your calling is simply to use your gifts, talents, and skills. God (The Universe, or whatever you believe in) has called you to use your gifts in this world.

So what are your gifts? What are you good at? What brings you joy to do? Do you have the gift of encouragement that you can use (or already use) with friends and family? Do you have the gift of creativity? What is a way you could use this gift more? Give yourself some time to reflect on what your gifts truly are.

The more we use our gifts, the more meaningful life feels.

 

2. HELP OTHERS / START A PROJECT

We can use our gifts in everyday life right now, which means we get to live out our calling in everyday life right now. You do not have to wait for a career change or for some circumstance to be different.

Have your gifts in mind and be looking for opportunities.

If you have the time (see Create Space in Your Life) then helping others and/or starting a project is a way to invite additional opportunities for you to use your gifts

Is there a place you always thought of volunteering, but never made the move? Is there a project you thought about jumping into, but hesitated to for one reason or another?

Maybe you will use your gift of photography to give family portraits to those who cannot afford it? Maybe you will use your gift of intelligence to help a high school drop out gain their GED? Maybe  you will use your gift of writing to help others traversing similar struggles?

I am all for creativity for it’s own sake, but if you are looking for meaning, use your skills to help others.

Maybe you had an experience similar to mine. You found something that felt like it. The Calling. The One Thing. And then things changed. It changed. You changed. All you know is, it is not as meaningful anymore.

You are allowed to pivot. You are allowed to change directions.

My belief is that the truest form of joy here on earth is when we can use our talents to help others. This opportunity it entitled to everyone. It will look different from other people you know – don’t confuse yours with theirs. Follow your path.

 

3. CREATE SPACE IN YOUR LIFE

I know where some of you might be at at this point. This all sounds wonderful – but where do I find the time? It’s true, we cannot add to our life without taking something else out. My guess is, your life is already full and stuffing one more thing in your schedule sounds exhausting.

That is why we must create space.

I appreciate this quote by Flora Bowley: Let go of the things you like to make room for the things you love.

It is true, to live a more meaningful life, you may have to let go of some things you like. But won’t the trade be worth it, if in return you are gaining something you love and makes your life feel more meaningful?

Maybe it’s even something small. For me, I would like my house to be immaculate. But I think I would rather live a meaningful life using my talents instead of having an immaculate house. So right now as write this, my house is “good enough” clean.

I don’t think anyone, if given the trade, would take a perfectly clean house over a meaningful life. But this is what often ends up happening. We think, I can’t start this project until this or that is done. And then we spend our whole life doing this or that and we never live the meaningful life we intended to.

Prioritize living meaningfully. This is the most important thing – you will not get to the end of your life and wish you mopped the floors more.

I will also say, a little bit goes a long way. I work full time and often have chores, exercise class, etc filling my evenings. I have no chance to write except for weekends. At 5am, before the rest of the world wakes up, I write. This is my live meaningful time.

And although adding one more “to-do” to life may seem draining or stressful, it’s not. For me, it recharges and gives me more resilience for the rest of my week. When I am off running errands and doing everyday life tasks, I have an assurance that there is more to life than just chores and tasks. Not all moments are rainbows and butterflies, but a few hours a week I am using my creative skill set to write something I can share with others.

So how can your create space in your life to do something more meaningful? Is it allowing your house be a little less clean? Is it having your husband cook instead of you one night? Is it going without some material possessions that would set aside a little extra money to invest in yourself for a meaningful project?

Take a minute to think about it. There is probably something small you can let go of.

(For many more ideas, essays, and practical tools for creating more space/time/money in your life to pursue meaning check out The Minimalists.)

 

4. GET MENTALLY HEALTHY

I don’t know about you, but for me, if my mental health is out of whack, then I am probably not going to be moving positively in any direction.

For me, it is the self-doubt that takes over. Why would I do that? I am probably not good at that anyway. Why bother?

These are the thoughts that prevented me from starting a blog for a good few years. Who would want to read what I wrote? I don’t have anything good to say. No one will like it.

So how do we change our thoughts of self doubt? I am not saying we should be egotistical monsters who believe we are good at everything. But, everyone is a good at something. And I think on good days you know that you are good at that something. And I think on bad days, you forget, or it’s just harder to believe.

This may sound weird, but sometimes I write notes to myself on my good days that I can read on my bad days. Maybe you would feel too weird doing this, but I am telling you, it helps.

Now, you can’t write things that you won’t believe. You can’t just write You’re awesome! And everyone else thinks you are awesome! I wouldn’t read that and believe it on a bad day. I don’t think I would even believe it on a good day!

But, you can write notes to yourself that are true. Here is an example of what I have written to myself to encourage me in my low moments:

You aren’t feeling good about doing a creative project right now. Acknowledge that right now you are tired, or stressed about something else, and it is affecting how you are feeling. Know that when you are in a better mood, you will feel excited about it again.

So when I read this, no, I don’t start jumping for joy and suddenly feel excited about my creative project. But it does help me avoid the negative spiral of That whole idea was stupid and I don’t know why I ever thought it…etc etc. I believe what I wrote, and even though I don’t feel it in the moment, I believe that I will feel excited again when I am in a better mood.

And sometimes I write notes that have evidence of my abilities. It’s easy when you are in a bad mood to believe you have no skills or abilities, but it is harder to argue with evidence. So, when I am in a negative mindset my brain will start convincing me I am a horrible writer and my ideas are stupid. So here is one example of a note for myself:

Your ideas and writing were well received and praised by your professors when you were in college.

So again, when I read this, I don’t suddenly feel like an amazing writer or idea-ist. But, it stops that spiral. I gave myself evidence that someone liked my ideas or writing. As much as you might want to tell yourself you have no abilities when you are in a negative mindset, it is a lot harder to argue with evidence.

There are many ways to work on your mental health and confidence – going to therapy, reading books, or listening to podcasts are a few. Put good things into your mind on a regular basis. It will be difficult to reach your goals and live more meaningfully if you don’t first believe in yourself.

 

5. COMMIT TO CHANGE

There are so many factors that contribute to living more meaningfully that it is difficult to stuff them all into one article. Keep in mind that building authentic relationships, helping others with a struggle you have overcome yourself, getting in touch with your creative spirit, and learning/growing are all additional ways to invite meaning into your life. (And hopefully we can dive into these topics a little more in future posts!)

The most important thing of all is to commit to making things happen. Don’t force things to happen (it won’t work). Don’t wait for things to happen (your life will pass you by). Be creative and open minded. You may have imagined using your gifts in one way and it is just not working out – don’t give up – find another way. Use your super power of creativity. You may not feel powerful enough to make the changes you want in your life, but if you are creative, then you have all the power in the world.

I wanted to help people with (surprise) mental health, spirituality, and living a meaningful life. I tried and tried to do this at my job, but it just wasn’t working. My job was too crazy, busy, overwhelming…there was no room for me to do the deep work I actually wanted to do. I pushed. I prodded. I forced with all my might. Nothing changed. So then I tried waiting for things to change. And I waited for two years. Still no change.

It was then I realized I had to find another avenue to use my gifts. Hopefully it doesn’t take you two years to realize this, like it did for me. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t hope for a change in my job or take positive action where I can. But I needed to be open. Sometimes we can become so narrow focused on one way of doing things, that we don’t even see all the other opportunities that are dancing around us – waiting for us to join in.

All the little moments of waiting and forcing and being dissatisfied are the tiny little moments that become your entire life. Don’t let your life pass you by – the world is excitedly awaiting your amazing gifts.

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JOURNAL QUESTIONS

I know that I have gained a lot from reading blog entries and I also know if I took the time and journaled about them for a few minutes they would affect me in an even deeper way and bring me to some truths I may have not come to otherwise. So if you have a few extra minutes and your journal handy…here you go!

1. List 5-10 talents/skills/abilities that you have. How do you use these skills in your everyday life? In what ways could you use them more in your everyday life?
2. In what ways could you use your gifts by getting involved or starting a project? Is there something that came to mind? Or something you have always thought about doing? What are the barriers? If it feels too big, is there a way you could do it in a smaller way?
3. Where do you need to create space? Is there something that you need to let go of that you like in order to make room for something that you love?
4. In what ways is your mental health holding you back? Is it self-doubt? Anxiety? Something else? What ways will you work toward a healthier mental landscape?
5. How will you commit to change? How will you make sure your life doesn’t pass you by? Do you tend to be a “forcer” or a “waiter” when it comes to goals and dreams? In what ways could you be creative in making these goals happen?

 

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS!

Let me know if this entry helped you in any way, if you have any further questions, or if there is anything else you would be interested in learning related to this topic!

Also, I would love to hear what action steps you are deciding to take to live more meaningful in 2016!

Thanks for reading!

Yours,

 

This post is for anyone who is feeling stuck. Stuck in a job they don’t love. Stuck in a phase of life they would prefer not to be in. Stuck in a problem that, despite their many efforts, they just cannot solve.

I know when I feel stuck there are a swirl of thoughts going through my head. Why can’t I get out of this? Why can’t I figure this out? I can’t do this everyday. I should have a better attitude about this situation. Shouldn’t I be thankful I at least have what I have?

Will it be this way forever?

 

IS IT OKAY TO BE UNHAPPY?

For me, I have struggled with my job. And the aforementioned swirl of thoughts has been the inner workings of my brain on many days.

I would flit between “I deserve better for my life” and “Why can’t I just be grateful” in a mere 60 seconds.

I would recognize the many positives about my job – being in a field of interest and within my training. Working at a job that helps others and is a cause I care about. There is also plenty of vacation time, sick time, and insurance benefits. Why would I be unhappy? And am I even allowed to be unhappy? Why can’t I just be grateful for what I have?

When these weird back and forths would occur in my head, they would usually conclude with the belief that I am blessed so I need to stop being dissatisfied. And then I would stuff and squash all the other desires that were inside of me.

Can you relate?

 

DISSATISFACTION IS A GIFT

Just because you are not satisfied does not mean you are not grateful.

Being dissatisfied simply means you are longing for more, which is a wonderful way to be living.

Maybe you keep thinking to yourself Why can’t I just be content? But let’s be real – we’ve met those people and we don’t want to be like them. Contentedness is dangerously close to complacency. Complacent people have no self growth. They are not on a path and they are not going anywhere.

Now, my goal is not put down on anyone or different lifestyles. I just want you to realize that having desires is a gift. Who you are and how you are is a gift. It is a gift that not everyone receives.

You may look around and think that no one else is having as many problems as you. Well, it’s true, you might create problems where others wouldn’t. But let’s re-frame that as a positive character trait, not a negative one.

Take for instance, how you might react upon hearing the statistic of how many children go hungry every night. You hear it, you think about it, and it causes you dissonance because you are not doing anything about it. Suddenly, it has become your new problem.

Guess what? There are plenty of people who hear that statistic and carry on unaffected. But you, you feel the dissonance and have unrest. That is good. That means you are a world changer. Of course, pick your battles and don’t try to solve every problem you hear about. But also don’t underestimate that greatness of your unrest.

As for the dissatisfaction with yourself or your life right now – this is you feeling dissonance again. If you are feeling dissonance at a job or a role you are in, maybe it is because you have potential you are not using there. Don’t stuff this feeling. Don’t pretend these gifts and talents aren’t inside you.

Have you ever heard this lovely quote by Howard Thurman?

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

We can’t always be where we want to be in life. But don’t pretend there is not an aliveness in you. You need it. Your friends and family need it. The world needs it.

Be grateful. Be grateful for your job, your family, your house, your friends..for it all. But also let yourself be a little dissatisfied…it just might lead you to a something wonderful you really don’t want to miss.

 

ACTIVE PATIENCE

So, if you are like me, you also can very easily get caught in black and white thinking. Either you are in the mindset of I am quitting my job and following my dreams tomorrow! Or Nothing is ever going to change and I need to settle in for the long haul.

Of course, life is never black and white so it is silly for us to think this way.

It’s true, we may need some patience. We may hear well-meaning podcasters or pastors tell us to quit our job and chase our dreams. Maybe that’s just the push you needed. But for most of us, it’s not that easy, or we would have done it already. We have mouths to feed, or at least our own. If it’s something other than a job where you are stuck, it still may be a responsibility that is keeping you there. We need not throw all responsibilities out the window. Maybe you could stand to let go of a little responsibility and live a little more on the edge. But to follow your dreams, you do not need to be reckless and irresponsible.

So what is active patience? It is exactly what is sounds like. Life requires patience. If you don’t have this skill, now is a great time to develop it. You will need this skill for the rest of your life. But patience is not staying stuck in a bad situation forever. Active patience is accepting your current situation while also taking all opportunities to move in the direction you want to be in. Read books and listen to podcasts about how others reached the place you want to be. Take classes that will help you develop a skill you would like to develop. Talk to a counselor or a mentor who will keep you on the right track and in good perspective. Good perspective is important. Be careful not to get too consumed with the future dream that you forget where you are currently. You do not need to accept your current situation as unchangeable, but you do need to develop a positive attitude within your present circumstance.

 

CREATIVE OPENNESS

We must also cultivate creative openness. What do I mean by this? Think back to other problems you have had in your life. Was the problem ever fixed in a way you just didn’t expect? Sometimes we get stuck because our thinking is stuck. You must be creative and be able to come up with solutions that are unique, and maybe even seem a little weird. You need to have openness that a problem could be solved in a way you did not originally imagine.

When I was younger I was very set on the goal of getting married and tirelessly searched for my husband. I was SURE college was where I would find him. But four years passed and he was not there. Then I moved back to my hometown where I was SURE there would be no one I would want to marry. And SURE enough, that’s where he was.

Again, these kind of stories are not uncommon, everyone has them. It’s harder to think this way when you are in the middle of your story and haven’t heard the ending yet. The problem you are having right now – you are probably SURE you have tried every possible solution and it is not working. Guess what, you have felt that way before, and a solution you didn’t expect appeared.

Creativity and openness are similar. Let me me give you an idea of what I mean by creativity. I reflect on a (somewhat odd) example that was given in the book Do One Thing Different by Bill O’Hanlon. He references a couple that could not stop fighting. And when they fought they would yell and scream. It would become very escalated very quickly. They both really wanted to work on it, but in the heat of the moment, just could not calm down. They had tried de-escalating by following all the traditional advice that was out there. Nothing was working. When they went in for couples counseling they were given the instruction that every time their fights escalated they had to commit to take the fight to the bathroom. To make it even weirder, the wife had to sit on the toilet (fully clothed) while the husband had to de-clothe and awkwardly sit naked in the tub. And then they were allowed to continue the fight.

This was obviously very awkward. But, because of the awkwardness, they had trouble carrying on the heated nature of their fight. This immediately de-escalated them and they could then converse more calmly. Eventually, this practice taught them the de-escalation skills they needed and they no longer had to “take it to the bathroom” every time they fought.

Again, I know this was a weird example. And I am not saying your solution involves awkward moments in a bathroom. But I am saying that weird solutions do solve problems, especially ones that have yet to be fixed by traditional means. Let yourself be open to non-traditional solutions. Let yourself be open to creativity. Maybe you had a “weird” idea for a solution once, but did not follow it, for the simple fact that it was weird. Just remember, not following your dreams in life or not ever getting to where you want to be, is a lot worse than being a little bit weird.

 

WILL IT BE THIS WAY FOREVER?

The answer is no. Nothing stays the same forever. Life is not static, it is dynamic. Things are always changing.

Will you have problems forever? Yes. You will at some point “solve” this problem. And guess what, you will have new and different problems. I don’t say this to be discouraging. This is just how life is, and to be honest, things might get a little boring if it wasn’t this way. To have new and different problems means you and your life are full of growth and progression, and that is a good thing.

So here lies the importance of not placing your joy on the other side of the challenge. There will be joy in overcoming the challenge. But there can also be joy in anticipation of things to come. You can experience the joy before you get there. Haven’t you ever done this for an upcoming vacation or event you were looking forward to?

You just have to trust it is coming. If you don’t trust it is coming, you can’t experience the joy of anticipation. And of course, your life has plenty of little joys all around it now. Friends. Family. A good book. Your church. Cooking. It’s different for everyone, but there are gifts in your life. Enjoy what is here now and excitedly anticipate the joys of the future.

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JOURNAL QUESTIONS

I know that I have gained a lot from reading blog entries and I also know if I took the time and journaled about them for a few minutes they would affect me in an even deeper way and bring me to some truths I may have not come to otherwise. So if you have a few extra minutes and your journal handy…here you go!

1. Where are you stuck right now? Is is a job? Phase of life? Problem you just cannot solve? What are the thoughts that swirl around in your head?

2. Would you be willing to believe that dissatisfaction can be a gift or be positive in any way? How could you re-frame how you think about your dissatisfaction?

3. Have you tried stuffing or squashing a desire that you have in fear of being ungrateful? What is this desire? What makes you feel fully alive?

4. What are some ways you could develop active patience or creative openness in your life? Can you think of some problems in your past that were fixed in ways you did not expect?

5. Is joy on the other side of your challenge, or are you willing to experience joy now? Could you trust that there will be change and anticipate what is to come? Are you able to experience the small joys all around you in the meantime?

 

Yours,

I have noticed a popular concept for authors these days is to have a project that they experiment with and write a book about. For instance, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.

I like this concept. I was thinking, if I were to take this approach, what project would I pick?

And then I realized there was a project that had already picked me.

So this is where I admit I unfortunately embarked on The Perfection Project. The course of this project spanned over two decades. I mapped out what would lead to a perfect life. I read books and I did my research.

And I was even successful. Okay, yes, nothing is perfect, but I am pretty sure I got about as close as you can get. So if you are currently on your own perfection project I am here to tell you, stop now. The end result really isn’t that great.

 

HOW I REACHED PERFECTION

At 26 years old I had accomplished all my perfect goals:

I had a perfect college experience where I had lots of personal growth, made the loveliest of friends, and had made close connections with my professors. I had read many books about what the perfect and most fulfilling job would be and it was a career of contribution and helping others. I also learned what job a perfect Christian would have, and it was a job helping the poor. So at age 23 I landed my perfect fulfilling job helping the poor which also made me (in my mind) a perfect Christian.

Now it was time to find my perfect husband. I had also read many books on this topic and knew what I was looking for. Kind, slow to anger, selfless, compassionate…etc. And I found him. And we got married. I had read so many books on conflict management and relationships (and I had luckily married someone who was very, very patient with me!) So, in result, we had minimal conflict and had a lovely and perfect first years.

And to top it off, we lived in the perfect town – not too big, not too small. We had perfect relationships with our parents and in laws as there was no conflict and both sides were supportive to us. Also, I was never overly drawn to material things – so our modest house was also perfect.

I know what you are waiting on now – to hear about how it crumbled. But that’s the thing, It didn’t. It stayed intact. I had arrived. I had made it. I had done what most people only dream of doing, and I was only in my 20’s.

But I was confused about my arrival. I felt sad. And things weren’t even fake perfect or the worldly version of perfect. My perfect wasn’t about consumerism, or power, or any of those things. I truly had a wonderful relationship with my husband and I worked at a job that was helping others and I truly believed in the cause.

How could I possibly be sad?

 

REACHING PERFECTION MEANS YOU CAN’T MOVE

I felt like I couldn’t move. My husband and I had talked about having kids – but I had seen the charts on relationship decline once a couple has children – not a smart move if you are trying to have a perfect marriage. I thought about taking on a different position at work or furthering my education – but my position was already perfect – I wouldn’t want to compromise that. So I didn’t want to make any changes to anything, at all, EVER.

But then there would be these moments – when I would picture the rest of my life. And it was just always the same forever. And although my life was “perfect,” there was a deep sadness in this.

I remember my husband telling me that I had reached my “local maximum.” (He’s a nerd scientist so he says things like this sometimes). He described the idea in terms of robots that are supposed to find the highest elevation. However, instead of finding the highest elevation the robot in this scenario would be stuck on the first peak, though it was not the highest peak. Any movement down in elevation would be regression. In result, the hypothetical robot is stuck on this first peak forever and never finds the highest point.

Or I think of my husband’s story from summer camp as a kid. His parents delivered a package of all kinds of goodies and treats, but he feared if he left package in the cabin someone would take it. So he spent the whole day protecting his goodies and treats, and could not leave the cabin to go out and have fun with his friends.

Perfection means you can’t move. You are stuck.

 

WE ARE MOST FULFILLED ON MISSION

Looking back, I believe I was sad because I was not on a mission or a journey. If you have ever gone hiking on a mountain, it is the climb that is most fulfilling. It is the anticipation to the top – but the top can only be enjoyed for a short time. To reach the top and try to enjoy the view forever would be incredibly, incredibly boring even if the view was amazing. We must always be climbing and anticipating new views.

If you have read a Donald Miller book or heard him speak in recent years, you have probably heard him talk about the idea that we are all characters in our own story and a character has to want something. This is completely contrary to how I had been trying to live. I had worked really really hard to NOT want anything. I was basically trying to be Buddhist or Stoic (or at least what I thought it meant to be Buddhist or Stoic). But honestly, I think I got my philosophy of “not wanting” from the Christian church. I thought that was the goal.

Looking back, I think I understood the concept of “wanting” as negative because most of the sermons I listened to lead to some version of “thou shall not want.” I admit, the sermons were probably mostly focused on desiring material possessions or power, but I somehow instead applied it to anything and everything.

Donald Miller also references the ideas of psychiatrists and psychologists in our history. Sigmund Freud believed that the ultimate human pursuit was the pursuit of pleasure. Alfred Adler believed that it was the pursuit of power. However, a man named Victor Frankl thought something a little bit different. Frankl was a psychiatrist that went through a Nazi concentration camp. He adamantly believed that it was not pleasure or power that people desired – it was meaning. People just use pleasure and power to distract themselves. But it is meaning that gives people the breath of life.

What was strange for me is that I thought I had already found meaning through my relationships and my work helping others. But for me, I had left two important components of living meaningful behind. I left behind growth. Which in turn, caused me to leave behind spirituality.

I am open for debate on this topic, but I want to argue that, without growth, there is no such thing as spirituality. I acknowledge I am speaking from my own experience and others will have a different take. But all I can say is, when I was busy maintaining my fortress of perfection, I felt the most spiritually dead I had ever felt.

 

A LITTLE BIT OF CRUMBLING IS GOOD FOR YOU

So I said that things didn’t crumble. Well, they stayed “perfect” for a few years but there was eventually a little bit of crumbling. Or at least some corroding. My job changed a bit, and my perfect position became a lot less perfect. It became stressful. I had trouble staying on top of everything. I felt there were expectations that I could not meet. I no longer felt I could use my talents or creativity in my job. And I couldn’t invest in the clients in the same way I had before.

I don’t think things have to go wrong for us to grow – I do not think it is a prerequisite. However, having things go wrong will 100% make you grow. For me, it was the first time I felt growth in quite a few years.

A lot of the growth had to do with letting go of, you guessed it, perfectionism. There were two forms of perfectionism I had to let go of.

Letting go of the Perfect Life

First, I had to admit that my life was not perfect anymore. Not just to myself, but to others too. People used to ask about my job and I would say “Yes, I love it! It’s such a great fit and so rewarding!” After the “crumble” I had to say “Yeah, it’s good..it’s pretty stressful at times…yeah not quite as good of a fit as it was before..yeah a lot of paperwork..it’s hard every day to stay on top of everything…”

I also used to be really good at fixing things and developing solutions, and as much as tried, I could not find a way to “fix” my job and make it like it was before. So a year later someone would ask “Is your job going any better?” And I would have to reply “No…about the same…still kind of stressed…still having trouble keeping up with everything.”

Having to deal with the fact that I didn’t know how to fix it and constantly having to admit that to others. That was hard.

Letting go of the Perfect Self

Second, I had to learn about how to be an imperfectionist in my day to day life. My job required it of me. I would have too many tasks to complete at work and not enough time to get them done. I was never someone before to ever be late for a deadline, and I was now having this new experience for the first (and second, third, fourth…) time. I also wasn’t able to take care of every need for each of my clients, and that was really difficult for me.

I had to develop a mantra for myself to repeat daily. It was the mantra that my mom used to tell me when I would be stressed about getting good grades in elementary school. It was simple, but it helped.

I can only do my best.

 

WHAT A POST-PERFECTION LIFE LOOKS LIKE

No matter if you had a little bit of crumbling or a lot of crumbling..

A post-perfection life is not a pile of ashes.

It is a city re-built.

With wiser builders.
Who have wiser plans.
Building wiser structures.

With rooms for flaws.
With rooms for intuition.
With rooms for change.
With rooms for uncertainty.

My goal for this post is not to convince you that there is no such thing as a perfect life. My desire is to tell you that if you arrive at your perfect life and try to stay there, you will remain unfulfilled.

What I am working on now is living a meaningful life. A meaningful life that is not perfect but full of growth. Every living thing on this earth is either growing or dying. Choose which category you would like to be in.

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JOURNAL QUESTIONS:

I know that I have gained a lot from reading blog entries and I also know if I took the time and journaled about them for a few minutes they would affect me in an even deeper way and bring me to some truths I may have not come to otherwise. So if you have a few extra minutes and your journal handy…here you go!

1. Have you found yourself striving for your own “Perfection Project?” If so, why do you think you are striving after this?
2. Have you ever been in a situation where, even though you wanted to move forward, you resisted in fear of messing something up or letting go of some kind of perfect thing in your life?
3. Think of a time when things in your life were crumbling – either a little bit or a lot. Are you able to look back now and see the growth that came out of that time?
4. Do you believe that to be spiritually alive, there must be growth? Why or why not? Can you think of examples in your own life?
5. What does your city re-built look like? What rooms will the wiser builders make sure to include?

 

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS!

Let me know if this entry helped you in any way, if you have any further questions, or if there is anything else you would be interested in learning related to this topic!

Also, I would love to hear about your own “Perfection Project” and steps you have taken to move forward.

Thanks for reading!

Yours,

 

This post is for those of us that struggle with low self esteem, negative thinking patterns, or thoughts we don’t think we should be having.

My inspiration for this post comes from a day at work when I found myself seeing every situation and every interaction through the lens of low self esteem.

My mind began to chatter: They think I’m doing a bad job. They don’t like me. They are thinking I’m weird.

And the list goes on.

 

WHAT I LEARNED FROM SOMEONE WITH PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA

There is something that I learned a few months back that really helped me and changed my outlook on how I engage with my thoughts. I work in the mental health field and was working with a young lady diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. She was very functional – she was in college, employed, and pretty independent.

I remember sitting in our clinical team meeting and someone brought up some paranoid thoughts this young lady had been having. She had recently lost her job. She did not accept that it was due to working at a slower pace in a fast pace environment, as had been communicated to her. She believed she was fired for a different reason. She expressed that she felt someone had been out to get her and there was some scheme all long for her to get her fired.

All of the staff seemed boggled as to why this would be her perspective when there was no evidence of this.

But our clinical director clarified.

Remember team, this girl has paranoid schizophrenia and because of this her brain is going to try to turn every situation into one to be paranoid about and one where people are out to get her. It is not her fault. What we need to help her do is help her understand that her brain is wired this way so that she can realize when she starts having these thoughts, that they are not necessarily true. If she can understand and believe that, she has the ability to be very successful in her life despite the fact she has paranoid schizophrenia.

First of all, this was SO hopeful to me for this young lady and anyone with mental illness. The fact that no, she could not control that she had schizophrenia, but the fact that she can make a choice if she believes the thoughts. I do want to acknowledge that with more extreme cases of schizophrenia this may be a very different story and I do not feel educated to speak to those cases. But for this girl, she had hope!

 

YOU ARE NOT YOUR BRAIN OR YOUR THOUGHTS!

I felt like I had a very big paradigm shift in this moment. That we don’t have to succumb to our natural tendencies and brain wiring – we just have to acknowledge them. If there was hope for a young lady with schizophrenia, there was hope for me! And since that moment, I think differently when I find myself having moments of low self esteem.

When I start thinking: Maybe someone’s talking bad about me? Or [fill in the blank] means maybe they don’t like me… I am now free to instead think: For whatever reason, your brain has been wired/trained/has a natural tendency to have these thoughts. You are looking for evidence that is not really there. And once I know I can’t trust these thoughts, I actually start feeling a whole lot better.

I know it’s difficult not to trust your thoughts. Isn’t it you in there after all? And why wouldn’t you trust yourself? But the truth is, we are biological too. We are not just souls. We are souls inhabiting a body. And bodies are imperfect. And your brain is a biological part of your body. It can mess up, it can be imperfect. And luckily, your soul or “higher brain” or whatever you want to call it, can acknowledge this.

I know it’s tricky with our brains – we don’t want to think of them as biological. But like anything else – it can function improperly at times. You accept that your digestion system can function improperly at times so accept that your brain can too.

 

WHAT I LEARNED FROM MY HUSBAND

My husband (who happens to be a brain scientist) is adamant that he does not struggle with impure thoughts about other women. I ask him how he does not struggle, as you hear most men do struggle with this. But he tells me that he does not struggle because he accepts that he has a divine spirit/soul/higher brain within a biological/primal/instinct brain.

So if he sees a curvy woman walk by that is not me, his primal brain may notice her as this is a human’s built in instinct. But he does not beat himself up about it because he recognizes this as the primal part of his brain. And then he accesses his higher mind which tells him I have a wife I love and this thought means nothing to me. And that’s it, the whole encounter is over.

I know that sounds too easy. But I think for whatever reason, our culture doesn’t usually get this right. We have two extremes. There are people who follow any bodily desire that they have and see no issue with this. And there are people who notice the opposite gender that is not their spouse, spend a lot of time beating themselves up about the fact they noticed that person, which often times, makes them think about it even more because they are so desperately running away from it.

 

YOU ARE IN CHARGE

Think of your body and brain as a tool in your life – an imperfect tool – but a tool. Or think of your body and brain as an organization of a bunch of imperfect people working together. You need to work with the team – but ultimately YOU (your higher self) is the boss and you get to choose how you react. The team might have some insight, but they don’t always know the truth. Also, remember your brain is your physical body – if you get sick – you don’t beat yourself up about it – you make decisions about how to solve the problem.

So next time you have low self-esteem, negative thoughts, or thoughts you don’t think you should be having:

1. Don’t believe them. Your brain is wired to think this way – but there may be no evidence for these thoughts.
2. Don’t beat yourself up about the initial thought – you cannot control what thoughts come to your mind, you can only control if you choose to dwell on them.
3. Ultimately, you (your higher self) runs this show so don’t have weird chemicals in your brain trying to tell you otherwise! You get to decide!

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JOURNAL QUESTIONS

I know that I have gained a lot from reading blog entries and I also know if I took the time and journaled about them for a few minutes they would affect me in an even deeper way and bring me to some truths I may have not come to otherwise. So if you have a few extra minutes and your journal handy…here you go!

1. What negative thinking lens do you find re-occurring in your daily life?
2. How much truth, weight, or power are you currently giving negative thoughts? Are you open to thinking about thoughts differently – and recognizing they may be influenced by your biology and brain wiring?
3. Who have you allowed to be in charge in your own life – your higher brain or your lower/primal brain? Or a little bit of both? What are some examples? How in the upcoming week will you hand the power over to your higher brain/self?

 

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS!

Let me know if this entry helped you in any way, if you have any further questions, or if there is anything else you would be interested in learning related to this topic!

Also, I would love to hear what negative thoughts you have battled and how you have worked to overcome them.

Thanks for reading! Happy thinking!

Yours,

The journey of unlearning perfectionism is a strange and counterintuitive journey to take. Our modern world teaches us to try our hardest, on time is late, and wasting time is basically one of the seven deadly sins. We must be intentional with every single decision we make, or our life will ultimately end in bitter regret.

The great difficulty is, there are truths within these messages. Who can really argue with trying one’s hardest and living intentionally? And to be honest, these messages are for some people.

But they are not for me. They may not be for you either.

 

IT IS NOT INUITIVE

Unlearning perfectionism is counterintuitive because who in their right mind is going to on purpose attempt to not try their hardest?

What if I told my boss that? What if they asked what my current professional goals were and I responded with:

Oh, I have been working on implementing my strategic plan of not giving my very best to everything I do!

Since it does feel so counterintuitive, I do not believe I would have learned to let go of trying so hard if I was not forced into doing so. A couple years ago my position at work became completely chaotic. I had tasks that would pile up and had limited time to complete everything. I spoke with my superiors and was told that there were no changes in sight to accommodate my situation.

What did that mean? It meant I submitted paperwork that was not perfect and that was past suggested deadlines. It was official in my mind – I was a terrible employee.

But guess what my employee evaluation said?

Well Organized. Meets deadlines. Pays attention to detail.

What?!

 

A NEW UNDERSTANDING

Here’s the thing. Our employers do desire for us to give our best effort. However, they also recognize that human beings are not literally perfect. The problem is, what perfectionists think of as “my best” is very different from what non-perfectionists think of as “my best.”

As perfectionists, we are trying to do our paperwork, schoolwork, life work etc. to literal perfect standards. But since we are not perfect human beings that is not actually possible, so we end up just having a whole lot of stress and negative emotions in our lives. It’s not that non-perfectionists aren’t trying hard, they just recognize they are flawed human beings that will not be able to produce something absolutely perfect. They also end up getting a whole lot more done. If you get everything to a 80-90% standard, you’ll give yourself a whole lot more time and mental energy to get other important things done.

For instance, when I spend hours and hours on a project trying to get it to 100% I end up neglecting other areas of my life. For me, I ended up neglecting the very people that my organization serves. I was too concerned about the paperwork being absolutely perfect. Maybe for you it’s something else? Maybe it’s neglecting friends, family, spouses, or your own self care?

I mean, if we are such perfectionists – even if we do meet deadlines perfectly, or write a perfect book, or reach some other perfect goal, but have neglected people close to us or even ourselves in the process – are we really going to look at our life and feel like it is “perfect?”

The difficult truth for those hard wired for perfectionism is that there is no perfect life. It simply isn’t to be found. So the best thing we can do in this life is strive for a balanced life. Will it be perfectly balanced? Of course not. But balance is a much better goal to strive for.

 

HOW TO CHANGE

So how can you start moving in this direction and begin to let go of your perfectionism?

Start small.

Notice little moments where you are being a perfectionist. You don’t have to conquer the big things yet. Just notice the tiny moments in which it happens. Moments you wouldn’t even realize it was perfectionism if you weren’t consciously thinking about it.

My example is that a few nights ago I went out with a couple friends. Sometimes I can be a perfectionist about social situations.

Is this going well? Is everyone having good time? Did we go to the right place for dinner? Am I talking enough tonight? Are people having fun with me? Did people not like their food? Are they glad they are hanging out with me? Is there something I could have done to make it better?

Okay, so I am a little obsessive. But you probably are too. It’s packaged deal usually – if you are a perfectionist you are also a little obsessive at times.

Anyway, I noticed myself being this way at dinner. And although my obsessive perfectionism thoughts didn’t go away when I started noticing them, I did feel like I could combat them somewhat with more positive and realistic thoughts.

Is this going well? Is everyone having a good time? Yes it is. People are smiling.

Did we go to the right place for dinner? There is no “right place” but this place has a good environment and good food.

Am I talking enough tonight? Are people having fun with me? Again, yes, they are smiling and laughing!

Do people like their food? Yes! They are eating it! You have no evidence of them not liking their food!

Is there something I could have done better? No!!!!!!!!

 

ADMITTING THERE IS A PROBLEM

If you are not a perfectionist you are probably asking yourself what in the world is wrong with me that I am having these conversations with myself in my head at dinner with friends. If you ARE a perfectionist, you totally get it.

As you can see from the above example, there was no evidence that merited any of those questions or concerns. But that is how the perfectionist brains are wired. Our brains naturally want to ask Are things going well? Could they be going better? Are there any problems? And because we get so focused on those questions, we start creating evidence where there isn’t any. You start to think Well she didn’t eat her entire piece of chicken, it must have tasted bad. Or they looked at their phone a couple times, that must mean they were bored.

This is where it is incredibly important to recognize that you are a perfectionist. Once you accept this, it then gives you the permission to dismiss the thoughts when they start happening. I just simply remind myself: You are a perfectionist so your mind is gong to naturally start thinking this way, but you have no evidence to support this idea. And doing just this, actually really helps quite a bit! You don’t get quite as sucked into the lies that the perfectionist brain wants to tell you.

 

APPRECIATING YOUR AMAZING ABILITIES

Before I end this blog entry, there is one other point I want to make very clear. There are many many MANY benefits and advantages to having the kind of brain that you do! My goal in this article is NOT to convey how unlucky you are in being a perfectionist or how you have all these issues to overcome because you are one. My goal of the article is to provide a few tools and ways to change thinking patterns so that you can be your best self. However, I do not want to neglect to mention that being a perfectionist has likely brought you very far in life.

You have likely thought very carefully about the decisions you have made, been intentional about the life you are choosing to live, and eliminated a lot of negative things in your life through you critical thinking skills.

Like all traits, there are always positives/negatives and advantages/disadvantages. So let’s hone in on the super strength that your brain wiring brings you, and learn some tricks to deal with a few little kinks in the system.

With all this being said, there might be someone thinking “Wait! But how do I know when I should trust my perfectionism and use it as a strength and how will I realize if it’s causing me more damage than good?”

The good news is, perfectionists are wise souls full of self reflection. YOU WILL KNOW. Don’t over analyze, trust that you will know.

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JOURNAL QUESTIONS

I know that I have gained a lot from reading blog entries and I also know if I took the time and journaled about them for a few minutes they would affect me in an even deeper way and bring me to some truths I may have not come to otherwise.

So if you have a few extra minutes and your journal handy…here you go!

1. What is the biggest barrier that you see your perfectionism causing you? Has it caused you stress? Has it caused you to neglect other important things in your life? If so, what are these things?

2. When most recently do you remember having perfectionist thoughts? What were those thoughts? Was there evidence for the thoughts you were having? What could you have said to yourself to combat the thoughts you were having?

3. What will you commit to do in the upcoming week to challenge negative perfectionist thoughts? If you enjoy journaling, keep track in a daily log of the thoughts you are having and how you address them. This will help to keep you conscious of the thoughts and make it easier to continually address them throughout your weeks.

 

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS!

Let me know if this entry helped you in any way, if you have any further questions, or if there is anything else you would be interested in learning related to this topic!

Also, I would love to hear what“Unlearning Perfectionism” has looked like for you!

Thanks for reading!

Yours,